Very, very few human fears are in-born. Fear of falling is an example of a fear that apparently does not need to be learned. The vast majority of fears, though, are learned responses. They are either learned from others (you are afraid of spiders because when you were three you saw someone react to a spider with fear), or learned from personal experience. So the good news is, there is no natural, innate tendency to fear performing in front of people.
The bad news is that, since fear can be useful for survival, it is a response that is learned very quickly and easily. A single bad experience is enough to cause a person to learn to fear a certain kind of situation. Since fear is much harder to unlearn than to learn, this is one situation where "an ounce of prevention" is much more useful than several pouinds of books on "overcoming your fears". So, if stage fright is not an issue with your child, your main concern is to see that it does not become one. Here are some helpful do's and don'ts:
Do:
- Strongly encourage your child to prepare adequately for each performance. Take whatever positive steps (rewards for practicing, encouragement, help with goal-setting and scheduling) are reasonable.
- When at all possible, work with teachers and directors who have a positive, non-threatening approach. Do not send your child to a teacher who is too harsh and critical for your child's temperament and abilities. You may want to switch to a demanding, critical teacher who is producing high-quality performers, but only after your child has developed the confidence and maturity necessary to deal with that teacher without fear.
- Attend all the concerts you reasonably can attend, and make positive true statements after each performance.
- Encourage a business-like approach to auditions and contests. For a student, auditions and contests are always mainly learning experiences. If they do well, that is great, but it is not the main point, ever. The main point is to learn, from feedback from the judges (always make sure someone picks up any feedback available from the judges) as well as simply practicing the experience of performing under pressure.
- With teachers and directors, help your child establish reasonable goals and expectations. If the main point of this audition is to practice auditioning so that it is not a scary procedure next year (when the child will have a better chance at doing well), make this clear to the child.
- With teachers and directors, try to ensure that every performance is within the child's present ability. The more succesful performances the child experiences, the less effect a bad experience will have.
- Acknowledge any negative reactions the child has (embarassment, disappointment) with calm, supportive sympathy.
Don't:
- Set the child up for failure with unreasonable expectations or hopes.
- Frighten your child into practicing with tales of possible embarrassment and failure.
- Belabor a poor performance. The time to point out a need to fix a problem or a need for more practice is always before the performance, when there is still a chance to do something, never after. Teachers, directors and judges may critique a performance as part of the learning process (and even they usually save negative comments for the next lesson or rehearsal); under most circumstances, parents do not need to make any negative comments after a performance. One exception; a child who is mature enough as a musician and a person may request an honest evaluation of a performance. Even in this case, positive comments should outweigh negative.
- Overreact. Don't put pressure on the child to perform to make you happy. Don't react with tremendous disappointment if your child does not do well. Don't criticize judges, teachers, or others whom the child is relying on for musical guidance. The child's own emotional reactions will be enough to deal with, without having to deal with a parent's emotional reactions too.
- Ignore, discount, or criticize any negative reactions the child expresses. Negative emotions that are not allowed to be expressed and dealt with calmly may turn into big problems in which calmness is no longer an option.









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